when God breaks hearts

I used to be the type of girl who sought after and longed for God with all of her heart. He was always on my mind. I loved reading His Word and I hid it in my heart as I treasured and pondered the things He said to me. I saw Him in everything…blue skies, a friend’s embrace, a great quote that struck to my core, smiling eyes on a stranger’s face, pink sunsets. I could list how He revealed Himself for days and not come close to giving you the full picture. I talked to Him all the time…on the pages of my journal, in the car driving to class, on the phone with a friend in need, before I even opened my eyes in the morning. We were that close. Have you ever woken up already praying? It’s amazing to feel that connected to your Creator; for it to be so natural to speak with Him that you are uttering your praises and fears before your eyelashes flutter open. I talked about Him all of the time…with my family, my dearest friends, people I met in the bookstore, and classmates. I sang to Him all of the time too…there were times I felt that I said it best when I sang it because I could express more vividly how much I felt it. I sang with the throng on Sundays and Wednesdays, at the top of my lungs in my room and in the bathroom where the acoustics were forgiving.


There came a time in my life when I literally knocked on death’s store, but he didn’t answer. During that time the pages of my Bible became a bit more worn and tattered, not to mention colorful as I love to highlight the sweetest words to me at a particular moment. I couldn’t sing anymore, but I could listen to music and I would just sit and listen and smile or cry as the melodies and lyrics tugged at my heart. There were moments that the only prayer that could escape from my lips was Jesus name alone because the pain and exhaustion were so heavy upon me. I made new friends as God provided me with new faces and new lives to pour into and allow to overflow into mine. My strength faded in body, but my Spirit soared. He never let go of my hand as I trusted His promise, that His strength would be made perfect in my weakness.


Since God was so incredibly good to me during this time, I felt like there was just nothing He wouldn’t do for me if I only asked for it. He was just lavishing me with His love day in and day out and I was truly amazed. So I began to pray for That One Thing, fully expecting Him to give it to me the way that I wanted it and sooner than later too. But That One Thing never came. So the girl who I once was seemed to fade away. I was still the girl who loved and longed for God, but not with her whole heart because it felt broken and somehow betrayed. Not at the hands of some foolish boy this time, this time it felt like my heart had been broken by the One Guy I placed all of my hope in. God Himself.


That was 6 years ago. Six years of not feeling like myself because it felt rehearsed and forced to pray. Six years of not feeling like myself because I no longer saw God in the grand and simple things so easily anymore. Six years of not feeling like myself because when I got my voice back I found that it did not return with sincerity. Six years of not feeling like myself because I could no longer talk about God and trust that I meant what I said.


And now I am beginning to see why He did not give me That One Thing six years ago when I first asked. I am beginning to understand how foolish I was for treating my precious Lord and Savior as though He were a trite genie in a bottle waiting for my requests. God knows a whole lot more than I ever will and He knew that it was not time for That One Thing. He also knew I needed to learn that He is in control, not me. He had to teach me to trust Him. Although we had gone through so much, I still did not trust Him completely.


God is so good. Despite my foolish anger with Him for unmet requests, despite my unfaithfulness, despite my lack of trust, He has spent the last six years drawing me back in time and time again. He reminds me all of the time that He loves me and that He misses me. I know the sound of His voice. You can’t be a girl so deeply in love and then forget the sound of His voice. He’s let me know of His commitment to me via the fellowship of Believers, a friend’s sweet smile, my husband’s gentleness and patience, and many pink sunsets, to name just a few. But my favorite is that quiet, still voice…the One I hear recalling back to me those Words I treasured up in my heart years and years ago.


So six years later I have begun praying for That One Thing again. The format of my prayers has changed. More Him focused. More other focused. You’ll find less of me in there now. And I know there will be days I struggle and begin to lose faith again. But those will be the days that I stop looking for Him and listening for His voice because He will continue revealing Himself regardless of my seeking. Truth be told…I don’t know if I will ever see That One Thing happen or not, but I do know that His ways are not my ways and that His thoughts are higher than my own.


That One Thing or not…God loves me. And while He may be in the business of breaking hearts for our own good, He is also in the business of mending them. And half the battle here is knowing when to let Him do both.

empty

Touch screens and social networks
Jealous eyes and a wounded heart
That girl is prettier than me
What is he up to these days
I should get up, do something
Lazy tonight, productive tomorrow
Celebrity gossip blogs
Waste of time
Stupidity on a screen
Eyes stuck on images
I can’t believe how ridiculous he is
She’s such a mess
Brain doesn’t have to work
Easy, but dumb
Interesting for no good reason
Foolishness
Books sit on the shelf
Thoughts float somewhere in the back
Wishing for a pen and blank page
Life put on hold to unwind
Conversation for another time
We can just veg now
What’s on next?
Reality t.v. and a screaming match
Real pain, less reality
Train wreck
He's such an arrogant jerk
She really needs to get some help
Airing dirty laundry for all to see
Ruined lives for some cash and fame
Just before bed

longings

I long for beauty and inspiration.

Life seems more chaotic than it has to be most of the time.

I spend countless hours pouring my heart and time into my job. It's a great job and many would say that it's even beautiful and inspring, but I want more from life. My days are filled with lesson plans, disciplining kids, tying shoes, faculty meetings, staffings, answering "but why" questions, breaking up silly fights, teaching [enter subject here], dealing with helicopter parents, political mumbo jumbo with colleagues and superiors, singing cute songs, reading stories, writing reports, second guessing myself, challenging my kids, drying tears, etc. It's rewarding and I love it. Don't get me wrong there. But it doesn't end at 2:00 when the bell rings. Then there is another lesson plan to be made, prepping for the next day, planning [enter project/activity here], cutting out lamination, making a new game for literacy centers, grading papers, filing papers, phone calls to parents, letters to parents, making copies, etc.

My job is great and I really do love it, but at the very end of the day I am exhausted. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I long to pursue things that are inspiring and beautiful. I want to read thought provoking books. I want to flip through the pages of books with poems. I want to visit art museums. I want to paint something myself. I want to discuss art, literature and philosophy with friends. I want to sit at Starbucks just to sit and think. I want to play an instrument and feel that sort of freedom. I want to feel something and experience something outside of the hustle and bustle to ground me.

My job for next year is not secured because of the budget. Last year that crushed me. This year is different.

Here are the definitions for beauty and inspiration from Webster's Online Dictionary because my words do not adequately express what I think and feel.

beauty

1: the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit : loveliness
2: a beautiful person or thing
3: a particularly graceful, ornamental, or excellent quality
4: a brilliant, extreme, or egregious example or instance

inspiration

1 a: a divine influence or action on a person believed to qualify him or her to receive and communicate sacred revelation b: the action or power of moving the intellect or emotions c: the act of influencing or suggesting opinions



I hope this summer will be more like a spring for me.

ode to anthro 2

While shopping online after my previous post I came across these and my heart went pitter-patter once again...

anthropologie

I love anthropologie. I think it is the best store on the planet. I love everything about it. Just walking into an anthropologie store makes my day better. I love it because I think it is the very essence of femininity. I can go there to purchase beautiful dresses, skirts, aprons, dishes, lamp shades, necklaces, scarves, etc. It is just the very best.

There is something whimisical about the place and if you know me, you know I love whimisical. If it were possible my entire wardrobe would be from anthropologie. If I didn't live with a boy my house would be decorated with many anthropologie fabrics and textiles. I adore the place. Adore it!

Here are a few reasons why I hold it in such high regards...now this is sleepwear and it is not sexy so do not be alarmed for those conservatives out there. However, where else can you find such adorably, feminine sleepwear that isn't full of itchy lace? Girls, we do not have just 2 options...slinky lingerie and frumpy pajamas. We also have this...





My love affair for all that is anthropologie is intense. I must finish here so that I might go shop online!

a journal entry

Lord God,

I have forgotten you. I have sought you on occasion. I have spent time with you in spurts. I have gone months at a time without calling your name and in doing so I have also forgotten me. I am nothing without you. I live and love barely on the fumes of our last encounter. I talk and do and think and feel with no real purpose. I get tired easily. I feel frustrated always. At times I hear you call for me and my heart quickens and I feel alive for an instant. Then I hide away. What can I say to the One who gives me everything while I give absolutely nothing? So the light in my eyes dims once again. Often I hear a song, a verse, a poem, a story and know you are speaking to me, feeding my soul, but again I deny it for maybe I am merely hoping and making it up in my head. I've done nothing to deserve or warrant such attention, affection. Every now and then I hear you and I listen. I go with you to the places you lead me and I stay for a little while. True contentment. But then someone or something else calls to me. My wandering heart deceives me. Deceives us. In the meantime, I breathe in other gods and breathe out contempt for them, for myself. However, my soul's cry never changes with the gods of a season. My soul always cries, "Abba!" My mind and my heart constantly feed on this world, but my soul cannot be deceived. It has been bought and paid for. It doesn't even belong to me. God of my soul become the God of my heart and the God of my mind. Rule over me and teach me your ways, your thoughts and lead me to your kingdom here on this earth. Free me from the holds of death. Bring me up into the light. Take me and keep me no matter how much I fight or how far I run. Teach me the concept which I fail to claim for myself. The very concept that could change my life. Teach me about grace. Help me to cling to and claim that nothing I do or don't do has any hold on your love or want for me. Jesus, I want to live like you love me. My soul knows it. Please may my heart and mind follow.

Amen.

amid uncertainties

The last few days have been different. It's hard to put a word at the end of that sentence. I don't really know that I could find the right one. Circumstances have altered and I've had to think about life and how quickly the life I know now could change. In a heartbeat.

I am so relieved that while I might be frivolous when it comes to the way I choose to spend my time my Creator is never off the clock. I want to be more conscious about what I do with my days and why. I have feared so much lately that I am just wasting my life. The clock ticks louder and louder. And I think about the purpose I'm not serving by ignoring the ticking.

God's been really good to me. Christ continually serves me. The Spirit continually feeds me. But I don't notice. I don't really take it in.

The truth is that if my life changes drastically, the hours I wasted watching TV, the hours I wasted jealously perusing facebooks of aquaintences, and the hours spent thinking about prioritizing won't make a bit of difference.

There's only one thing that is going to make a bit of difference when all things as I know them fall away.

There's this girl, Brook Fraser. I am obsessed with her music. Every song on her CD is practically my soul's anthem. The song for me today is this: