when God breaks hearts

I used to be the type of girl who sought after and longed for God with all of her heart. He was always on my mind. I loved reading His Word and I hid it in my heart as I treasured and pondered the things He said to me. I saw Him in everything…blue skies, a friend’s embrace, a great quote that struck to my core, smiling eyes on a stranger’s face, pink sunsets. I could list how He revealed Himself for days and not come close to giving you the full picture. I talked to Him all the time…on the pages of my journal, in the car driving to class, on the phone with a friend in need, before I even opened my eyes in the morning. We were that close. Have you ever woken up already praying? It’s amazing to feel that connected to your Creator; for it to be so natural to speak with Him that you are uttering your praises and fears before your eyelashes flutter open. I talked about Him all of the time…with my family, my dearest friends, people I met in the bookstore, and classmates. I sang to Him all of the time too…there were times I felt that I said it best when I sang it because I could express more vividly how much I felt it. I sang with the throng on Sundays and Wednesdays, at the top of my lungs in my room and in the bathroom where the acoustics were forgiving.


There came a time in my life when I literally knocked on death’s store, but he didn’t answer. During that time the pages of my Bible became a bit more worn and tattered, not to mention colorful as I love to highlight the sweetest words to me at a particular moment. I couldn’t sing anymore, but I could listen to music and I would just sit and listen and smile or cry as the melodies and lyrics tugged at my heart. There were moments that the only prayer that could escape from my lips was Jesus name alone because the pain and exhaustion were so heavy upon me. I made new friends as God provided me with new faces and new lives to pour into and allow to overflow into mine. My strength faded in body, but my Spirit soared. He never let go of my hand as I trusted His promise, that His strength would be made perfect in my weakness.


Since God was so incredibly good to me during this time, I felt like there was just nothing He wouldn’t do for me if I only asked for it. He was just lavishing me with His love day in and day out and I was truly amazed. So I began to pray for That One Thing, fully expecting Him to give it to me the way that I wanted it and sooner than later too. But That One Thing never came. So the girl who I once was seemed to fade away. I was still the girl who loved and longed for God, but not with her whole heart because it felt broken and somehow betrayed. Not at the hands of some foolish boy this time, this time it felt like my heart had been broken by the One Guy I placed all of my hope in. God Himself.


That was 6 years ago. Six years of not feeling like myself because it felt rehearsed and forced to pray. Six years of not feeling like myself because I no longer saw God in the grand and simple things so easily anymore. Six years of not feeling like myself because when I got my voice back I found that it did not return with sincerity. Six years of not feeling like myself because I could no longer talk about God and trust that I meant what I said.


And now I am beginning to see why He did not give me That One Thing six years ago when I first asked. I am beginning to understand how foolish I was for treating my precious Lord and Savior as though He were a trite genie in a bottle waiting for my requests. God knows a whole lot more than I ever will and He knew that it was not time for That One Thing. He also knew I needed to learn that He is in control, not me. He had to teach me to trust Him. Although we had gone through so much, I still did not trust Him completely.


God is so good. Despite my foolish anger with Him for unmet requests, despite my unfaithfulness, despite my lack of trust, He has spent the last six years drawing me back in time and time again. He reminds me all of the time that He loves me and that He misses me. I know the sound of His voice. You can’t be a girl so deeply in love and then forget the sound of His voice. He’s let me know of His commitment to me via the fellowship of Believers, a friend’s sweet smile, my husband’s gentleness and patience, and many pink sunsets, to name just a few. But my favorite is that quiet, still voice…the One I hear recalling back to me those Words I treasured up in my heart years and years ago.


So six years later I have begun praying for That One Thing again. The format of my prayers has changed. More Him focused. More other focused. You’ll find less of me in there now. And I know there will be days I struggle and begin to lose faith again. But those will be the days that I stop looking for Him and listening for His voice because He will continue revealing Himself regardless of my seeking. Truth be told…I don’t know if I will ever see That One Thing happen or not, but I do know that His ways are not my ways and that His thoughts are higher than my own.


That One Thing or not…God loves me. And while He may be in the business of breaking hearts for our own good, He is also in the business of mending them. And half the battle here is knowing when to let Him do both.