a journal entry

Lord God,

I have forgotten you. I have sought you on occasion. I have spent time with you in spurts. I have gone months at a time without calling your name and in doing so I have also forgotten me. I am nothing without you. I live and love barely on the fumes of our last encounter. I talk and do and think and feel with no real purpose. I get tired easily. I feel frustrated always. At times I hear you call for me and my heart quickens and I feel alive for an instant. Then I hide away. What can I say to the One who gives me everything while I give absolutely nothing? So the light in my eyes dims once again. Often I hear a song, a verse, a poem, a story and know you are speaking to me, feeding my soul, but again I deny it for maybe I am merely hoping and making it up in my head. I've done nothing to deserve or warrant such attention, affection. Every now and then I hear you and I listen. I go with you to the places you lead me and I stay for a little while. True contentment. But then someone or something else calls to me. My wandering heart deceives me. Deceives us. In the meantime, I breathe in other gods and breathe out contempt for them, for myself. However, my soul's cry never changes with the gods of a season. My soul always cries, "Abba!" My mind and my heart constantly feed on this world, but my soul cannot be deceived. It has been bought and paid for. It doesn't even belong to me. God of my soul become the God of my heart and the God of my mind. Rule over me and teach me your ways, your thoughts and lead me to your kingdom here on this earth. Free me from the holds of death. Bring me up into the light. Take me and keep me no matter how much I fight or how far I run. Teach me the concept which I fail to claim for myself. The very concept that could change my life. Teach me about grace. Help me to cling to and claim that nothing I do or don't do has any hold on your love or want for me. Jesus, I want to live like you love me. My soul knows it. Please may my heart and mind follow.

Amen.