a journal entry

Lord God,

I have forgotten you. I have sought you on occasion. I have spent time with you in spurts. I have gone months at a time without calling your name and in doing so I have also forgotten me. I am nothing without you. I live and love barely on the fumes of our last encounter. I talk and do and think and feel with no real purpose. I get tired easily. I feel frustrated always. At times I hear you call for me and my heart quickens and I feel alive for an instant. Then I hide away. What can I say to the One who gives me everything while I give absolutely nothing? So the light in my eyes dims once again. Often I hear a song, a verse, a poem, a story and know you are speaking to me, feeding my soul, but again I deny it for maybe I am merely hoping and making it up in my head. I've done nothing to deserve or warrant such attention, affection. Every now and then I hear you and I listen. I go with you to the places you lead me and I stay for a little while. True contentment. But then someone or something else calls to me. My wandering heart deceives me. Deceives us. In the meantime, I breathe in other gods and breathe out contempt for them, for myself. However, my soul's cry never changes with the gods of a season. My soul always cries, "Abba!" My mind and my heart constantly feed on this world, but my soul cannot be deceived. It has been bought and paid for. It doesn't even belong to me. God of my soul become the God of my heart and the God of my mind. Rule over me and teach me your ways, your thoughts and lead me to your kingdom here on this earth. Free me from the holds of death. Bring me up into the light. Take me and keep me no matter how much I fight or how far I run. Teach me the concept which I fail to claim for myself. The very concept that could change my life. Teach me about grace. Help me to cling to and claim that nothing I do or don't do has any hold on your love or want for me. Jesus, I want to live like you love me. My soul knows it. Please may my heart and mind follow.

Amen.

amid uncertainties

The last few days have been different. It's hard to put a word at the end of that sentence. I don't really know that I could find the right one. Circumstances have altered and I've had to think about life and how quickly the life I know now could change. In a heartbeat.

I am so relieved that while I might be frivolous when it comes to the way I choose to spend my time my Creator is never off the clock. I want to be more conscious about what I do with my days and why. I have feared so much lately that I am just wasting my life. The clock ticks louder and louder. And I think about the purpose I'm not serving by ignoring the ticking.

God's been really good to me. Christ continually serves me. The Spirit continually feeds me. But I don't notice. I don't really take it in.

The truth is that if my life changes drastically, the hours I wasted watching TV, the hours I wasted jealously perusing facebooks of aquaintences, and the hours spent thinking about prioritizing won't make a bit of difference.

There's only one thing that is going to make a bit of difference when all things as I know them fall away.

There's this girl, Brook Fraser. I am obsessed with her music. Every song on her CD is practically my soul's anthem. The song for me today is this: