This last week I got to my One Thousandth Gift in my gratitude journal. I remember thinking all along as I got closer and closer to #1,000 that I hoped it would be cool, because some days I can write down fifteen things I am thankful for and on others I struggle to write one. So, I thought...what if my one thousandth gift comes on one of those days? And it sort of did.
I've been going through something. It's been in the works for a long time now. And these last few weeks have been hard because I've begun to really deal with that. I think I have been running after and away from the wrong things. For a long time now. And I have started to put those things in their proper places. Slowly. Because old, bad habits die hard, painful deaths.
I have begun to tip-toe away from perfectionism and ideals and it-ought-to-be-this-ways. It's hard to do that. I mean, I put so much pressure on myself and others and it's hard not to because that self-imposed pressure, in all of it's unhealthy glory, gives me a sense of control. So when I am tempted to turn around and pick up one of those idealistic perfectionisms and hold them close to my heart I have to retrain my focus and remind myself what it's all about. Not me. It is not about me. It is about Him. Pursue Him. His Word. His Presence. His Spirit. Him. It is about Him.
My life is not my own. It was a gift. And not only did He give me that, but He did something even wilder. He died to bring me life, abundant and full. And He gave me His Word and the Holy Spirit that I might know Him and know that He is with me. And when I am running after His heart and His Word, I am pursuing knowledge, wisdom, peace, joy, etc. in the only How-To Manual that I can rely on. The one I have been authoring is quite useless; I can assure you because it is full of impossible expectations and is riddled with formula after formula for failure.
So I am really grateful for change. Though it hurts and it's hard. I am grateful for admitting how flawed I am and how prideful I have been because it takes the pressure off...in a weird way. I am grateful that God loves me and that He is patient and faithful and would never chide me for my foolishness, that He accepts me and loves me as I am. A total mess. And that He calls me out in love through His Word, but doesn't expect me to fix myself on my own because He reassures me that messes are His specialty and if I let Him, He will do the fixing.
And I am grateful that He gave me a wonderful husband because in this world we live in wonderful husbands and good men are rare. But God gave me this amazing man who can handle this mess. Without judgement. Without anger. Without resentment. Without fill-in-the-blank with a sentiment that would be perfectly acceptable and deserved. And he loves me where I am at too. A mess. And he helps me see that this mess, me, I am beautiful because I am a work in progress, not an ideal of beauty to be attained eventually through my self-imposed pressures and perfectionisms.
I've been going through something. It's been in the works for a long time now. And these last few weeks have been hard because I've begun to really deal with that. I think I have been running after and away from the wrong things. For a long time now. And I have started to put those things in their proper places. Slowly. Because old, bad habits die hard, painful deaths.
I have begun to tip-toe away from perfectionism and ideals and it-ought-to-be-this-ways. It's hard to do that. I mean, I put so much pressure on myself and others and it's hard not to because that self-imposed pressure, in all of it's unhealthy glory, gives me a sense of control. So when I am tempted to turn around and pick up one of those idealistic perfectionisms and hold them close to my heart I have to retrain my focus and remind myself what it's all about. Not me. It is not about me. It is about Him. Pursue Him. His Word. His Presence. His Spirit. Him. It is about Him.
My life is not my own. It was a gift. And not only did He give me that, but He did something even wilder. He died to bring me life, abundant and full. And He gave me His Word and the Holy Spirit that I might know Him and know that He is with me. And when I am running after His heart and His Word, I am pursuing knowledge, wisdom, peace, joy, etc. in the only How-To Manual that I can rely on. The one I have been authoring is quite useless; I can assure you because it is full of impossible expectations and is riddled with formula after formula for failure.
So I am really grateful for change. Though it hurts and it's hard. I am grateful for admitting how flawed I am and how prideful I have been because it takes the pressure off...in a weird way. I am grateful that God loves me and that He is patient and faithful and would never chide me for my foolishness, that He accepts me and loves me as I am. A total mess. And that He calls me out in love through His Word, but doesn't expect me to fix myself on my own because He reassures me that messes are His specialty and if I let Him, He will do the fixing.
And I am grateful that He gave me a wonderful husband because in this world we live in wonderful husbands and good men are rare. But God gave me this amazing man who can handle this mess. Without judgement. Without anger. Without resentment. Without fill-in-the-blank with a sentiment that would be perfectly acceptable and deserved. And he loves me where I am at too. A mess. And he helps me see that this mess, me, I am beautiful because I am a work in progress, not an ideal of beauty to be attained eventually through my self-imposed pressures and perfectionisms.
No comments:
Post a Comment