days like today

Today is the last day of school, but I'm not there. This year has been...different. I chose last summer to stay home this school year. The biggest, toughest decision of my life to date. I love teaching. I am comfortable with it. It thrills me and ignites passion in me. I come alive from it and through it because I know God built me for it and called me to it. So you might ask why on earth I wouldn't go back...and believe me there are days that I ask myself the same thing.

It's been a lonely year much of the time. I thrive on relationships, interaction, conversation, and nurturing. Day in and day out in the classroom I had all of those things, plus some. The creativity was unleashed and I felt empowered by it. I taught with joy and enthusiasm and I think I did it well. Not to have all that has been really, really hard. Some days I feel like I'm lost and it really gets me down. And because of that I now know beyond the shadow of a doubt what teaching means to me and that I really have been given a gift for it. 

I definitely derive a lot of my confidence from my teaching career. Parent's requesting me and writing letters of praise to me and for me to my superiors. Children drawing pictures for me and visiting me daily and hugging me tightly to let me know I've made a difference. Colleagues telling me I've done such a fabulous job in such a short amount of time. Sure, it feels good and it gives me a sense of self-worth and identity. 

And that's just it. It gave me such a sense of security that I poured every ounce of energy and free time I had into it. With little to no room left for family or for me. Teaching for me became me. There would be no me without a perfect classroom and adoring children and happy parents and impressed colleagues. And all that takes an awful lot of work. Rewarding and satisfying work, yes, but at a high cost. I did not know balance. 

So I chose to take this year to re-evaluate some things and to re-prioritize my life. I spent more time with my husband...time in which I was actually focused on him and not cutting something out for the next big project while half listening. I got to know my youngest sister as I picked her up from school each day. Priceless. I came home to a house that may not have been perfectly tidy everyday, but at least there weren't school papers and projects strewn about the couch, the floor, the coffee table, the dining room table, the foyer, and the office. I also needed to take the time off for my health. I want a baby and this body of mine needs a lot of rest and a lot less stress to make that happen. I spent some time on me, too. I journaled and read and processed. I went to see a counselor and began some self work that I had been wanting to start for years and years. I felt free and open and awake and much less distracted. 

Yes, it has been hard not to do what feels like second nature to me. It has been quite the adjustment not to derive my being, my happiness, my self-worth from my job. Yes, there are days I feel really depressed about it and regret my choice. But I knew there would be sacrifices when I made the decision to stay home. {insert sadness here for not having the joy of cute, toothless smiles and Target shopping sprees on the regular anymore.}

So on days like today when I ought to be celebrating an accomplished school year with "my kids", I  have chosen to reflect on my decision not to and to also reminisce on the wonderful years and experiences I have had while in the classroom. I'm not handing in my pointer and my guided reading crown permanently anytime soon. I've definitely got some teaching left to do...but for now and until who knows when, the teaching must wait while I do some learning of my own.

Here are some pictures of my teaching days. They bring so much joy to my heart!

The extent of my dressing up takes place for the school parties...I am not cool enough to attend grown up Halloween festivities. 

One year I could not keep the pencil cups full to save my life! I begged for parents to donate pencils every week because we NEVER had enough! Then one day I discovered that a certain student had been stockpiling pencils in his pencil box. I could not stop laughing.

There are a gazillion others that I wish I could post here, but who has the time for the posting and the looking...and you probably don't want to see them all anyway.  ;)

One thing is for certain...I've got  a lot of printing of pictures and photo album organizing to do! Perhaps I should have spent some time doing that this school year!

I made the right choice this year, even though it was hard and it hurt a lot of the time. There are things I learned and gained that I wouldn't have had I been in the classroom. Maybe one day I'll blog about some of those things.