awake sickness and a dose of honesty

It’s been 9 weeks of feeling pretty darn yucky. Morning sickness is a cruel term. If my eyes are open then I am feeling nauseous. I’m no stranger to nausea. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease in the 8th grade and I had another serious flare my senior year of high school. Those two years of my life I spent feeling pretty sick and I figured “morning” sickness would be like that. I felt prepared. HA! This is not that. At all. It’s been downright debilitating. It seems crazy to say it’s made me bedridden. I felt insane for feeling that way. So I looked for validation on the Internet. Were other women feeling as though they could not get out of bed, unless of course it was a run for the bathroom? The answer…a resounding YES! Forum after forum confirmed that I am not alone and that many other women were feeling exactly as I did physically and emotionally. Not only was I nauseated all of the time, but my house, you know, the one I moved into 3 weeks before the awake sickness set in, was a complete disaster. I had been beating myself up for not being able to keep it all together.

And what about the joy of being pregnant for the first time? Shouldn’t that be enough for me to never ever complain or wish it were different for me? A little more guilt set in for that too. I was {am} complaining! I was {am} over it! No one tells you just how hard it can be to be pregnant in the first few months. I thought the hard part would come much later when I was as big as a house and uncomfortable. I just want to go through a day and not feel so bad! It’s a long time {9 weeks} to feel so sick! And I want to get back to living life. I have felt so bad and spent so much time wallowing in it that I haven’t felt like me. I’m ready to move on from this part of the pregnancy.

Now, even though I have felt so bad, I am so happy and thankful to be carrying this little baby. During the first trimester, once I began feeling sick, the thought of waking up the next morning feeling fine scared me to death. They say once the morning sickness sets in so deep a sure tell sign of something going wrong is when it disappears without tapering off. For as much as I hated feeling so sick, I was terrified not to until the 12th week had passed. If 9 weeks {and maybe more} of hugging that toilet bowl is part of becoming a mommy then I’ll take it. This is a great first lesson in the trials and perseverance necessary in parenthood, right? I’d like to think so because it’s been hard, SO HARD, but so incredibly worth it and I am glad that I can say I am 15 weeks pregnant to anyone who will listen! Because I love this little baby regardless of how often he or she sends me running for the bathroom!

when we found out

We tried for several months and panic was beginning to set in. I am 30. I had this constant tape playing in my head of people saying over the last few years, “well, don’t wait too long. It won’t get easier to get pregnant and be pregnant with age. Plus, the older you are the more risk is involved.” We were nearing the time frame in which you are supposed to go see the doc and have the trying-hasn’t-worked-so-should-we-be-worried conversation.

I let two dear friends know the last week we were in Miami how much the what-if thoughts had consumed me. They spoke words of wisdom and encouragement and they fell on my worried heart like salve. They prayed with me and for me before we parted ways and I got in my car feeling so much more at peace than when I had first arrived at the coffee shop.

Just a few short weeks later, Andrew and I found ourselves in the midst of painting and unpacking in the new house. The time had come when we would learn if this month was the month we had been hoping for and I was nervous and excited. Now, you should know that my husband is not a fan of spending money. The month before he had cut me off from the digital pregnancy test. I was taking one or two a month and he let me know that he could not afford my habit. So to the dollar store we went to pick up a test or two. I would take the dollar store test first and if that one read positive I would take the digital test too to confirm the positive reading.

They say the best time to take a test is in the morning because you’ll get the most accurate results the earlier you are in your pregnancy. The night before I set everything up so that I’d be ready to go first thing in the morning. Then I went to bed. And woke up every hour on the hour it seemed because I was so excited and could not stand the waiting. Finally, I looked at the clock and it was 6am. I shot out of bed {a rare occasion to be sure} and ran for the bathroom. First up, the dollar store test. I thought I had a dud. The whole oval turned pink at first and just as I began cursing the cheap product, the two lines appeared. And I started shaking. I got out the digital test which had let me down so many times before and laid it flat on the counter, fully anticipating to have to wait the agonizing 3 minutes it usually took to tell me that I am not pregnant. Not this time. That little screen took no time to “think” this time. Pregnant. In seconds.

I quickly ran to Andrew and yelled for him to wake up! This startled him, you know, since he’d been fast asleep, and he had panic written all over his face, but then he focused in on mine. And he knew what I had been up to because of the smile I wore. He rushed into the bathroom to see the results for himself. And we shared these big grins with looks of wonder for a few seconds and hugged for a few minutes.

We went back to bed and Andrew prayed for us and for the life we had created. We talked and tried to process what had just happened and what life was going to look like in the next few months and years. It was one of the best mornings of my life and I will treasure it forever. All of that hope and anticipation in the previous months culminating to this morning of excitement and tender, quiet moments. What a gift! And I got to share it with my best friend.

P.S. If you missed our official announcement yesterday you can see it here.

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