hiatus

So I have been M.I.A. I’ve wanted to blog. In fact, I’ve probably written 50 posts in my head since the last one I published. There are a few drafts in the works too. Truth is I don’t want to blog if my blogging isn’t peppered with happy tones and giggles. I don’t want to be dishonest either. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could breeze thru life happily, giggling along the way all of the time? Here’s the truth…I have been more unhappy in the last year of my life than ever before. And I have longed for laughter. Here’s another truth…happiness isn’t the most important thing. Holiness is. Leaning into and learning from God’s presence is. So I have been stuck in a state of unhappiness forgetting all about the hope and the joy that was given to me to keep and treasure as mine all mine for always. Instead of focusing on the eternal things, I have literally had day after day that I longed to just lie down and give up. Say forget it. Who cares? Whatever! Because I have been focusing on things that don’t really matter.

Don’t fret. I am not talking about leaving this world forever because it all seems too hard to handle. I literally mean I have wanted to lie down and not do a thing and give up entirely. And believe me, some days I have done just that. I can’t share all of the details. Some would make your hair curl. There are parts of my life that feel more like a novel plot or movie scene at the moment, and I would really like to make my exit from the story. It isn’t one of those romantic comedies or feel good types. {I can’t say more without sharing information that isn’t mine to share.} Then there is the whole insanity that is my house right now. Concrete, dusty floors for 5 entire months and not feeling like I can settle and move in completely until the floors eventually go down. {Oh, please may the floors be in before this baby arrives in September!} And everywhere I look there is chaos. And no safe, soft place to land. So I am tired. And I just want to lie down. Give up.

A couple of Mondays ago I finally reached the breaking point. I finally lost it. I just cried and cried and cried and cried. It was the first morning of one of two Summer Bible studies that I am attending. And just like God has proved time and time again, His timing is perfect. That very morning I walk into a Bible study in a building I’ve never stepped foot in before and hear the leader talk in a way that spoke directly, intimately into my heart. She spoke about wanting to just  literally fall on the floor and not get up because things in our life have made us feel totally dejected. Or as my dear Anne of Green Gables would say, life had brought me into “the depths of despair.” It felt like too much to take on and bear the weight of so it stopped me in my tracks and literally left me feeling immobile. To hear this woman talk about despair in the exact same way it had made me feel…you can’t imagine the energy it took to hold back the tears in a room with 100 women who I simply couldn’t be vulnerable with yet.

God and His timing. Turns out I am not alone. He reached His hand down that morning. More likely, I finally looked up long enough to see it there and grab hold. Why do I forget how much He cares? Why do I not believe that He has a salve for every single hurt and wound? Why don’t I trust that His strength and power is available to me and for me all of the time? How could I have forgotten that happiness is not His goal for me, but holiness is and that hope and joy are literally rights given to me that no one or no thing could take from me; Christ secured my hope and my joy. What a relief. Do I feel happy all of the time since that Monday morning’s break through? Nope! Do I have renewed faith and hope that things are going to get better and do I find joy in God’s Word and promises? Yep! Do I have hope that God isn’t through with me yet and that I am a work in progress? Uuuuuummmmm, definitely! Do I find joy in watching Him work and seeing evidence of that in my life and the lives of others? Sure do.

So I am in the process of reorienting my focus and regaining perspective though my circumstances have not changed. I am moving forward, even if it means slowly with timid baby steps through my circumstances at the moment. At least I am moving! And I am loving this verse right now because circumstances are only implied while the things that are certain are God’s character and the promises that come from being in His presence… “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

So I am going to start blogging again. Even when it isn’t pretty. Because maybe someone will read it who needs to know they aren’t alone or someone needs a little encouragement and something I say may resonate for them. And I am going to blog again because in the midst of the chaos and the dark days, I have plenty of “happy” to share too. After all, there is a baby on the way! And I am married to my best friend! And God has placed fabulous people in my life to pour into me!